writer's block

i wonder if it is writer's block or it's plain downright procrastination that's why i haven't written anything for so long. i'm quite busy these days with school and i had to quit the job i just got because of school. well for some good news i just finished first term and i have three more to go. YEHEY!!!

i do wonder sometimes about things i didn't do... things i hesitated to do... things i regret not doing...

i wonder what could have happened if i did things the other way...

but one can't live on the past... i know... one can't get stuck in a moment or else one doesn't grow...

"i'm not perfect" --- a line i always say when i swing back to down mood. it's a very lame excuse for humans when they make mistakes. i have made this theory on my mind regarding humans using this as an excuse when i watched U.S. of Leland which is a great movie on my opinion (i gotta watch it again though) just so that i could talk furthermore or justify my opinion.

i miss a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of places... and it makes me wonder... makes me think about "what if's"...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures,

laugh too much,

and love like you've never been hurt...

because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...

lucky you... unlucky me... literally...

and so what a bad day again for me to get another ticket (well atleast its just a parking ticket) eventhough!!!

well i got the highest grade on my 2 quizzes today but still there had to be a bad event occuring just to ruin it... ayayay... and it hasnt even been 2 weeks since i got my speeding ticket...

how unlucky...

bring me back my luck... whoever took it!

a life i was never used to...

i have gathered all my belongings and stacked them up in boxes. i never thought my life, my memories, things i have collected in the span of time ive been here could all fit in a box. it sounds sad to me because i never had to pack. i lived in one house when i was young til i matured into a lady. now i am moving to another house again just right after a year of being here...

i think its just the feeling of stability that im trying to find right now. the feeling i had once when i was in the philippines. having a home... not just a house.

i am all worried about my expenses too because im just waiting for my bill to come from the speeding ticket i got last week and im hoping so bad that its not that big of an amount...

anyways i got a job last week too. its a telemarketing job and i feel like finally i have a job but then i feel like its not what i want to. i cant stop being so conscious about the way i talk for some odd reason i just dont feel comfortable and my pessimistic side is kickin' in again hich is not so good. i dont know what to do about this.

why cant i just read the future...

i take it back...

so i go to another journey... another house...

and become...

a gypsy...

me and my speeding ticket... :-(

I believe that your whole mood in the morning right when you wake up affects your whole day and I think I just had one of my worst… Start it off with waking up pretty late for school then getting a speeding ticket on the way to the hospital (for school). It just ruined my whole day because I just can’t stop thinking of a way to tell my dad and to figure out how to pay for the ticket if I don’t tell him. So I just have this headache about the whole thing that transpired today. I cannot count anymore how many times I said the word “pissed” today like I just say “I’m so pissed!” over and over and over again.

Anyways looking onto the bright side at least I have learned my lesson that one should follow the rules whether someone is looking after you or not.

I am still tired from school as usual. I think it’s really because I still haven’t accepted it but then for me the greatest gift I get from nursing is getting complements from your patient. I remember yesterday how two patients of mine made my day because they told me that I was caring and very gentle and that I’m not like the other nurses that just do their job and not even have the compassion. At least I get the fulfillment from helping them and making them feel better and now I have to care for somebody more than myself and think about them and how they feel before me. Though I won’t be able to teach special children I can still make other people feel special just by taking care of them. It really feels fulfilling… Feels very good and overwhelming.

I think I will figure things out in time… Life is a gift from God and it’s a huge humungous puzzle that we figure out as we age and we understand more of it and we see that it isn’t that complex at all. I may stumble and fall sometimes but it’s all a part of living.

My lesson for the day is Newton’s third law stating that in every action there is an equal reaction…

I feel like I’m losing focus on things that I have to prioritize. I had to wake up at 3 a.m. to study but I didn’t. I woke up around 6 a.m. I know I would still be able to make it at school but then I don’t know anything for the test. I only have 3 days of school and on my spare time I don’t study that’s why I feel so bad cramming and not having enough time. I know it’s something I should work on but I guess part of it is because it not what I want to do. Sometimes I don’t know anymore how to convince myself that I could do this.

I do want to be good at what I do but I think I just need a break from it. Every time I go to school I feel like the same thing is going to happen. It feels like I just don’t see myself doing it in the future and it bothers me because it has been an issue with me since I started this. The contemplations I go thru just drives me crazy. I always feel baffled when it comes to this issue. I am clueless and I need somebody to save me…

my anniversary...

I can still remember events that have transpired a year ago… they’re still very clear on my mind. A week before July 3rd 2005 was when I got a phone call from the embassy telling me that my passport is ready for pick up. I never expected it to be that soon but I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I could get it over with. I remember how sad I was being alone in the Philippines and wanting to leave the country so bad but after my realizations I felt deep inside me that it was there I was meant to stay. It is my home and always will be. No matter what the struggles the Philippines made me go thru, I still became strong and independent.

July 2 was when I went clubbing with my friends. It still hasn’t sinked in me that I’m leaving the next day and it seemed like a normal Saturday night out for me. I remember all my friends surrounding me and telling me they’re going to miss me but all that was in my mind was that I’m going back… All that I wanted to think about was that I’m going back…

So after my night out I woke up pretty late on July 3rd then I started packing. My friends Dana and Eya went to my place to say their goodbyes but we didn’t even cry because everybody thought or knew I was going back. Time came when I had to say goodbye to my house, my yaya and Geir. I don’t know why tears suddenly came running down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hug them nor look at them. I cannot stand seeing them cry and I cannot let them see my weakness. But for some odd reason I felt like it was going to be the last time that I will see them. I wasn’t wrong…

First few months in America are one of the saddest moments in my life. I think it’s because my heart wasn’t entirely here. My mind and my heart are what I forgot to bring with me from the Philippines. I think it’s because I was expecting to go back and I have no closures with people I left back home. I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to most of my friends. I wasn’t even able to bring things that meant a lot to me. My whole 18 years of life is what I have left behind…

It’s a funny coincidence that my first day in America right after the airport I saw the Santa Monica Beach and I fell in love with it quickly so I went there on my first day and today that I celebrate my first year here I only realized it when I was at Santa Monica Beach again when my stepmum reminded me about it.

Now that I mark down my first year in America, I look back on memories that have made me who I am today. I know that a lot of things have changed me and I know that I am a better person now because of my past. I do not regret being here anymore. What I regret is failing to look at things in a brighter side. I mean this is a blessing in disguise and it has taught me a lot of things. God gave me the opportunity to start anew… to start things right… to have a new life and not everybody gets the chance to do something like that. I know that this is just another of God’s tests and I just had to overcome it to be stronger and to have more faith and trust in Him. I have now accepted that this is my home but it doesn’t mean I have forgotten the place where I came from. I will never forget the Philippines but I refuse to live on my past. I love the Philippines that will never change and I will be forever thankful to my country for making me who I am. I will forever be thankful to all my friends whom I have shared my good times and the bad. I will forever be thankful to God for letting me experience what it’s like to grow up in Pinas… what it’s like to be a Filipino…

love what you do vs. do what you love

i have started with my clinicals at school and i am also starting to question myself. should i do what i love or just love what i do? i have been baffled lately and bombarded by this question in my head. i have been spending my days and my spare time reading my books for school or sitting on my couch watching filipino telenovelas or american reality shows which is in a way a lil bit sickening...

my mouth and my brain has ran out of words to make out stories... all that circulates in my head are nursing, theory, clinical, patients and a lot of things in relation to...

i remember the first clinical wherein i saw a colostomy and take note it didnt have a bag and i kinda shaked, almost in a crying state.

then i remember just last week how i didnt feel aything when i saw a dead person in the hospital.

i honestly have no idea what the future holds for me. i dont know if in the long run ill be able to love what i do and forget about doing what i love... i pray to god for his guidance though... i hate questioning myself about my decisions... i hate being unsure...